Run, Rabbit, Run

I had a dream last night. I won’t recap it, because it’s boring as heck to listen to other people’s dreams, but it ended with me saying “I have to get out of here. It’s time to go.”

I thought I had something awesome in my fingers, a key to everything I wanted for my life, and I let it get away. The problem is that I’m facing a choice between staying and fighting to get it back, or gettin’ while the gettin’s good. I have a reputation for being a runner–when things get tough, I bail–and few people ever believed that I wasn’t running, I just saw that the end of the path was coming up and there was no reason to continue in the wrong direction.

I don’t want to accept it, but I’ve reached the end of the path with Stark. I think perhaps I reached it a while ago, but kept climbing over rocks and roots in hopes of finding that the path continued on a bit further. If dreams are more than movies that play in our brains while we sleep, mine was telling me what I didn’t want to hear: I’ve reached the end.

I don’t want this to be the end. I still have fight left in me, and, to quote David Tennant, “I don’t want to go.” I wanted this so badly. I wanted to continue on getting my degree, to work my ass off to make my job permanent, to have school spirit and faith in the system around me to support me. I believed that if I just worked harder, sweat a bit more, bled a bit more, it would come together. I would not let this fail.

Sigh.

It’s time to let go. I was asked once by a professor “What in the hell are you doing here?” I had some sort of smart-ass comeback like “alleviating boredom” or something, but when I hear her voice in my head asking me now, the honest answer is “I don’t know.” Whatever reason I had then is behind me.

I shouldn’t be here; I don’t belong here anymore. Leaving Stark now isn’t running from problems or being a coward when things get tough. It’s facing the truth, that this is the end of the line. I’m transferring back to Kent State and I have no idea where this change will take me. While I can’t guarantee the situations would be any better there, I can take the lessons I’ve learned at Stark and apply them to my clean slate at Kent. Namely, keep your head down, keep quiet, trust no one.

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