Collateral Damage

If you’re short on time, let me give you the quick version of this post:

Fuck this shit. Fuck it all. Fuck you, fuck them, fuck the whole thing. Fuck it. I’m done.

Still looking for a bit more elaboration? Okay.

flames

I want to start by remarking that our president is an idiot, and that’s probably the nicest thing I can say about him. There was a school shooting in Florida (just recapping for my readers across the globe) and our president felt it worthwhile to remark “So many signs that the Florida shooter was mentally disturbed, even expelled from school for bad and erratic behavior. Neighbors and classmates knew he was a big problem. Must always report such instances to authorities, again and again!

I’m not going to make a school shooting about myself, but I AM going to use our president’s brilliance as a segue into what has me raging today. As I mentioned before, I’m under a “gag order” for something that happened at work. The gag came off today, but rather than let the greater point I want to make get lost in the shuffle, I’m going to just tell how this situation ended. I was advised by my boss, as well as her boss, to inform campus security about a situation that had the opportunity to be problematic. I did. The security guard is also a cop outside of this side-job, so I will simply refer to him as The Officer.

The Officer told me I needed to fill out a report after I explained what I was advised to explain. My boss’s boss called me to reiterate, I really needed to fill out a report. So I did. I made mention to The Officer that I considered it a moot point, that I was sure there would be no further issues, but I would do what I was told.

Today, The Officer approached me at work to tell me the “results of the investigation.” He then proceeded to tell me I need to be more careful about who I “accuse” of what, because the school takes threats seriously and there was nothing serious about mine. He went on to tell me not to make false reports, and began explaining to me that, essentially, this situation was my fault anyway.

Hold on. I need a minute to regain composure.

elmo

Look, I could go into all of the things wrong with what he told me, and outline how that isn’t even remotely how things happened, let alone what I was trying to do, but it’s pointless, and that’s what brings us to what I really want to say.

Hey, did you read this post I made a while back about when I was sexually assaulted on the job? If you want to skip it, the point is that I didn’t call the police. The list of people who were flabbergast by that decision was long, but I stuck to my guns that reporting what happened would have just made everything worse.

Understand something, dear reader…What happened to me today is exactly why I, and countless other women, don’t report things to the police. I did what I was told, I followed their rules, I did the “right thing” and in the end, it became my fault and I was the person in the wrong.

This exact scenario is every woman’s nightmare.

So here I am. I’ve spent the afternoon alternating between crying and eating peanut butter out of a jar under my heavy blankets, wondering how this went so horribly wrong.

And then our president goes and says “Must always report such instances to authorities, again and again” and I erupt in laughter while tears stream down my face because my god, that’s a hilarious joke.

I’m not okay. I was just beginning to raise up out of the depression this caused and now I’m falling back down the spiral staircase. This is such bullshit, and it has cost me so much. I just wanted to do this really cool job. That’s all. I just wanted to work. And this is the second time a job I love has been ripped out from under me. I just want to fucking do my job.

Instead, I’m sitting here, once again crushed, my spirit broken, my faith in the only system I have to go to for help is completely shattered, and all I can do is cry.

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