Waxing reckless

Kyle has skipped off to rehearsal for the evening, and I’m settled into bed, surrounded by paper. I’ve got my journal, tomorrow’s to-do list, two books I’m in the middle of reading, two letters from penpals and the accompanying stationery to return the correspondences. But before I jump into that epic pile I have no hope of tackling tonight, I wanted to write a bit about the progress with Shadow Work.

When I was warned this would be intense, I still never pictured this. Until you’re in it, how can you? Every night is a new dive into my psyche and what was once rational, reasonable dreaming has turned into the trippiest venture into the furthest reaches of my brain. There are recurring themes every night: my parents, Kyle, home/moving, outdoor markets, restaurants, and looking for someone. I can’t put the pieces together yet to see the whole picture, but my god, this is a wild ride. I had no idea my subconscious would be so on-board with helping me through this, but I have to give credit where it’s due. Dreams have turned into a drug-free spiritual journey and I’m willing to follow where it leads me.

In the waking hours, of course, there is a bit of a process in front of me, to try to make sense of what I have been shown. I believe I’ve said before that I have uncovered that I have intense abandonment issues. It’s no secret that I was thrown to the wolves often as a child, and while they have since acknowledged their behavior and apologized, the wolves gleefully dined on my tears. It’s not the wolves that I’m being urged to look at, though, and I suspect their time will come eventually, but I have to understand and come to terms with the abandonment and near-negligence that led me to the wolves in the first place.

Again, those are family stories, and will not ever see my blog out of love and respect for those involved. That doesn’t mean I don’t have to work through them for myself, by myself, but rather I can only speak in hazy terms. Truly, the important part to document is not the history, but rather the way I intend on using the present to write my future.

I wouldn’t be me, though, if I didn’t have a soundtrack for this period of my life. I’ve been listening to Nine Inch Nail’s Ghosts I-IV album and at different times, different songs will tap something new in my brain. While I feel that progress is being made, I have to again state what I said a week or so ago–I’m not sure I can call this clarity yet. I’m seeing the picture come into view, but it’s still too blurry to make out what, exactly, I’m looking at. What I do know is that this has been one of the most amazing things I have ever experienced, and I’m ready to see it through to the end.

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