The. Heck.

It’s four in the morning and I am disgustingly awake. Not because I’m refreshed and ready to take on the world–oh no!–but because my brain won’t shut the hell up.

I’ve done it again, folks. I got myself mixed up in another stupid scenario I have no business being in, and because I was more focused on the “goal” than anything else, I didn’t stop to check in with myself. I’ve spent the last two days running a fever, battling a headache, and generally hating life. When I finally stopped long enough to take stock of what I was doing, it’s absolutely no wonder my body is freaking the heck out, because I’m once again pushing well past my limits for no good reason. None.

The good news is that I can easily extricate myself and move back towards the goals I’ve set for myself and the family.

The bad news is, well, I’m shit at setting boundaries. I don’t really know how to recognize when I’m heading down the wrong path until I’m down it and stuck in a pricker bush, which isn’t terribly helpful in avoiding these situations entirely.

I feel like I’ve fallen into the trap of giving the impression I’m someone that I’m definitely not, and when I move to be more true to myself, I’ll end up hearing “You’ve changed! What’s wrong? You’re so different! Are you mad at me?” Not at all. I’m just being myself. And myself is not a people person. Myself is a bog hag who lives in the woods and talks to birds with random bits of foliage sticking out of her hair. Myself does not do brunch. What the hell, Nicole. You know that’s not you, honey. Stahp.

I hate talking about other people, honestly. I hate whining and complaining with little movement towards rectifying the situation. If I’m going to converse, I want to exchange ideas, hear about what someone is passionate about, learn what they’re afraid of. Do you have any idea how hard it is to find people who want to do that? To just tell stories and create something wonderful where nothing at all once was? It’s difficult, kids. It is.

And yet, I’m again putting myself out there to be the chatty, gregarious go-getter, rambling myself underneath a guillotine, waiting for the blade to drop. And, y’all, the blade always drops. For a change, though, I think I caught this one before anyone thought to pull the rope. Oh, there is indeed a storm brewing, and there’s going to be one hell of a mess from it, but it’s not mine, and I have no reason to stick my neck out. I can love people without taking on their problems as my own. So, I’m up before dawn, thanking the Universe for the clarity to get back on my own track before I get involved again where I’m not needed.

“Neither required, nor desired.”

Noxeema Jackson

Mmmhmmm, preach, sister.

Shall we move on to what I do have cooking in this ol’ brain of mine? Writing! And, video-ing?

Turns out there’s this thing called “AuthorTube” on YouTube, and it’s a honkin’ butt-load of writers who, uh, make videos talking about their writing. Y’all, it’s much more interesting than I’m making it sound. Can we just remember that it’s still well before sunrise and I’m trying to function? So videos about writing–I can do that! Except I don’t have a cool camera, or fancy editing program, or the ability to do anything at all but click upload on YouTube (watch the button not even say “upload” but say “submit” or “give me your face” or something, making me look like a total fool before I even start…) but what I do have is a schtick. To be more specific, I have a lack of a schtick, so my videos would include the subsequent creation of said schtick! Everyone works so hard to get things perfect and polished before sharing with the world, so the most radical thing I can do to set myself apart from the herd is to start at the very beginning, and vlog the whole process, good, bad, and ugly.

And y’all, if you could see me now, in Kyle’s bath robe, with my hair all Nick Nolte, and yesterday’s remaining mascara smeared across my cheek, you’d know it gets reaaaaaaal ugly sometimes. I’m not scared.

Anyway, it would be a fun creative outlet, I think, to help change up gears when I need to do something other than write. I have two projects that I’m working on right now, the first draft of Uprooted and editing Ghost Stories for the Brokenhearted, and I’m just about finished with all of the side prep work to finally push forward on those in the way I want to. I’ve created a new writing space in our bedroom that is working quite well so far, and my schedule is finally open enough to allow large chunks of time to write.

AND! Perhaps the more exciting news, in my humble opinion, I have put my personal training experience to good use and created a fantastic new workout routine for myself. Yay! Physical movement! Body fitness! Cardio bliss! ENDORPHINS! Of course, no exercise plan is complete without an overhaul in diet, and man-sakes, do I need that overhaul. I think we eat more meals from restaurants than we do at home, now, and that’s not great. The food we do eat here is processed to the point of being “food” and that’s also not great. Does anyone actually know what ramen really is? I don’t think so.

So, as you can see, I have enough of my own business to worry about, so all ways around, I really should just mind that and leave everyone else to what they have going on. But, probably after I take a wee nap. Seriously, brain? Can we stick to normal business hours from now on? No? Okay. It was worth a shot.

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