No good deed

It’s like the old adage says, “No good deed goes unpunished.” If there is one thing I can count on in my life, it’s that bourbon is nasty. But the next closest thing I can count on is that, no matter how pure my intentions, anything I try to do to help someone else will inevitably blow up in my face.

“Nicole, how was your January?”

I don’t even want to touch the main event that has kicked off my 2022, so let me just say that a big, big event occurred and went so spectacularly wrong in every single way it possibly could that I’d like to just pretend I fell asleep on December 31st and woke up around February 5th.

What I will gladly mention about that time, though, is that Every. Single. Plan. I had in place to help us financially recover from Xiao Xiong’s surgery (final verdict: luxated patella and a torn ACL) went immediately out the window because I couldn’t possibly meet a single deadline throughout the course of January, thanks to that unmentionable, thankless thing I don’t want to admit actually happened.

So let’s recap–my books are off Amazon, my freelancing career is in flames, and Kindle Vella only works if you can actually, y’know, write the damn story and post it episodically.

The whole idea of writing makes bile creep up into my throat and I just…can’t. I can’t. The very sight of the blank pages has become a source of anxiety and disappointment.

All surrendered at the foot of someone who will never fathom just how much I sacrificed.

Blech. Enough of that gross dramatic crap. It’s over now. The situation has been resolved in a way that saves the only person I ever really could save, myself, and everyone else is left to deal with the consequences of their own actions.

I don’t want to lose any more time to this chaos engine that has been running rampant in my life. I know who I am, and where I’m going. I know my strengths, my weaknesses, my joys, my sorrows. It’s been a long time since I’ve cared to help someone else see who I really am and there’s no way I’m slowing down for someone who isn’t even interested in seeing.

It’s like that other old saying goes, “Never explain yourself. Your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe you anyway.” I find a lot of comfort in remembering that.

Now just to get back on track…